ALF Tip: don't smoke
Thousands were saddened to hear that legendary comic, Joan Rivers, passed away yesterday at the age of 81.
However DOZENS MORE were rocked to the core as news broke that we’d lost yet another force in the industry. A woman named Jone Rivers.
No, that’s right! That’s how you spell it!
Yǝs Sɥe dᴉd :(
I agree, Jone was way too youn. But no one said this lif was fai…
This woman actually climbed into an electrified cash dispensing MACHINE out of sheer grief. Don’t do it! Jone wouldn’t want you to suffer.
You sure did! The show was called “Fashion, puh-lease!’”
Well that’s a little harsh, but at the same time… no it isn’t. Everyone should know who Jone Rivers is.
OH right! I didn’t even think how Snooki or J-Woww would react to the death of Jone. They were very close to her. I’ll keep them in my thoughts tonight.
Hey hey, Bobby. Jone would want us to keep our heads up. Jone would want us to find the humour in life and move forward! Please do this for Jone.
Unfortunately it was Jone. But wow, I don’t know what I’ll do when Betty Crocker’s time comes. Talk about a reality check.
I mean, you have a point. It was pretty rude of Jone.
Today is Beyoncé’s birthday, (aka Christmas II: The Better Christmas) and I spent most of the week trying to figure out a suitable tribute to the holy queen. It wasn’t long before I thought “Hey! What do all the other cool websites do when it’s a celebrity’s birthday, or also just a regular day?” Pretty soon, the choice was clear.
Top 10 List.
All the cool sites do it… seamless.com, cheapair.com, the-pope.com/lists
Well an interesting fact about me is that I also make lists. I’m sure many of you remember my list of Top Ten Beyoncés from many, many months ago. Well now it’s time to explain why Beyoncé took the top spot. Here we go…
1) She was in a band called Destiny’s Child once
2) Once she was in the Carmen Hip-Hopera called Carmen once.
3) She is really good at releasing CDs, in fact she has released quite a few.
4) “Beyonce is a better dancer than you” is a harsh reality we all learn from our parents at an early age.
5) One time she collaborated with famed glittery pointer, Sean Paul.
6) She’s taught us that it really is possible to find true love, so long as you marry Jay-Z.
7) She was really good in the role of Elaine on the show Seinfeld
8) She’s proven to us that she’s not a robot because when she blinks she creates human tears… (and doesn’t melt or explode.)
9) She tops the list of Top Ten Legendary Divas Whose Leg Has Been Humped by Verne Troyer
10) She’s not Gwyneth Paltrow.
So there you have it, she’s clearly number one! Happy Birthday Queen Bey. See you on next year’s relevant list…
Top Ten List Of Things Beyoncé Just Added to her Top Ten List Of Things.
In the days since some wang decided to be a wang and publicly share some stolen goods, many people have written powerful retaliations as to why this whole situation is messed up and disappointing.
Unfortunately there are a whole buncha ding-dongs who still seem to think they have the right to criticize complete strangers from afar. So for them, I thought I’d try and break this down the old fashioned way…
With some fruit.
This is a grown apple. The apple is a grown, adult apple.
This apple makes its own decisions in the privacy of its own fridge and/or bowl.
A while back, the apple cut off a few slices to keep for herself, and maybe share with some people of her choosing. There are a list of reasons why the apple may have decided to do this:
1. Doesn’t matter.
End of list.
The apple felt pretty safe knowing these slices belonged to her. After all, they were stored in her fridge where only she, and maybe a select few could access them.
Some douche found a way into the fridge, stole the apple’s slices and started handing them out to everybody.
"Hey those are mine," said the apple. "I didn’t say you could steal my slices and give them to a bunch of strangers."
Douche Ding-Dong The Clown was like “yea but you’re the one who cut the slices in the first place.”
"Yes because they’re mine, and I can decide what I do with my slices." argued apple.
"Well whatever, apple. You’re an apple. Everyone is familiar with apples therefore we decide what parts of the apple belong to us, and then later tell the apple that it’s getting old and fat.”
"Well that doesn’t seem fair…"
"IT IS FAIR ‘CAUSE YOU CHOSE TO BE AN APPLE!" shouted a complete stranger in all caps via the web.
"That doesn’t really have anything to do with this tho—"
"ALSO STEALING IS ACCEPTABLE WHEN IT COMES TO APPLES!!!" another person proclaimed with fast typing fingers.
"It really seems like you guys are the ones in the wrong here…"
"SHH APPLE, THIS IS MY CHANCE TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT JERKIN’ IT TO YOUR STOLEN BELONGINGS. A JOKE THAT MY MOTHER WOULD PROBABLY SLAP ME ACROSS THE FACE FOR IF SHE HEARD IT!" shouted an anonymous turd.
"So because I’m lucky enough to have pursued my dream of being an apple… I’m suddenly not allowed to live how I want to live in my own fridge? And despite the fact that people see me MOST of the time at the grocery store, I still have to live my life assuming some human-farts will be constantly looking for a way to reveal every last intimate detail of what’s left of my private apple life without caring how that affects me as an apple?"
(deep intake of breath)
"Uh… yes?" said a confused tween.
"Am I the only one who thinks that’s unfair?"
"No, apple." came a voice from the distance.
"Most people are good-hearted, understanding and realize this is wrong. Unfortunately there will always be a small, desensitized group who forget that people they read about in magazines, or apples they see in the grocery store are real, and do not in fact belong to them. Stealing is always wrong. Especially when the items are personal and have no business being in the hands of anyone but the person or apple that owns them."
Long story short… you did nothing wrong, apple.”
"Well thanks, human man in a banana suit. I didn’t think I had either. Even if we can’t always prevent this from happening, at least we can count on the good, banana-suit-wearing people of the world to stand up for what’s fair."
"LOL yeah but like also… #butts." added the tween who learned nothing.
Today is Michael Jackson’s birthday and if you couldn’t tell by my previous blog posts, I’m a big fan.
I thought I would write some original Haikus to celebrate all the joy he brought to our lives. And as a plus, I’ve included what I think his reaction to each poem would be.
This seems like the right thing to do.
Poem 1: 'Thanks'
Thanks for great times
You sure were one of a kind
I loved Moonwalker.
Michael says: “Hey, no problem! I also liked Moonwalker!”
Poem 2: 'The Music'
Your music was great
The songs that keep us dancing
Moonwalker changed the (game)
***Note: You get one wild sixth word when writing Haikus. That’s the rule.
Michael says: “That’s not the rule, but hey thanks again! I really appreciate you saying that, though you didn’t have to repeat yourself because I already know how great Moonwalker is.”
Poem 3: 'Influence'
Moonwalker the film
Combined claymation and real
That shit blew my mind.
Michael says: “There’s really no need for profanity, but I get that you’re just passionate about the film. So thanks.”
Poem 4: ‘Innovator’
Robot with your face
A huge robot with your face
Who came up with that?!!?!??!?
Robot Michael says: “Um I don’t really remember but it was probably me. I actually have lots to do today so thanks for the Haikus but—”
POEM 5: 'Role Model'
SPEED DEMON? WOW.
I AIN’T NEVER GONNA SPEED
THANKS TO YOU, MY FRIEND
MY GOOD FRIEND MIKEY SAYS: “K.”
Poem 6: ‘King of Pop’
Michael, the legend
A true artist from above
Happy birthday, pal.
Michael says: “Hey that one wasn’t so ba—”
SHH MICHAEL JACKSON, PLEASE BE QUIET FOR POEM 7 WHICH IS CALLED ‘Talented’
MOONWALKER, MY GOD…
…MOTHER EFFING MOONWALKER…
…HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN IT?!
MICHAEL SAYS: …THAT I SHOULDN’T READ HIM MY POEMS ANYMORE.
So happy birthday to the King! And whatever you do, don’t go over the speed limit!
So what you’re saying is that he should have quit while he was ahead…
This weekend was insane. Had some big plans with a group of good friends here in the beautiful city of New York. Laughter and dancing, that’s what we did! Made memories that will last a lifetime!
I certainly didn’t stay in all weekend to watch the Every Simpsons Ever marathon on FXX. Nope! Instead, I had a crazy night out on the town with ma GIRLS!!
First we met at my apartment. “Your place is huge and party-friendly!” they declared. “Thanks, I know! So many people are here! It’s not just me! The Simpsons is not on TV, nor am I recording the episodes as I watch them live!” I replied.
We ‘poured it up’, as we say all the time, and got very drunk. Soon we were dancing to the hits of Beyonce and also Chingy, and certainly not See My Vest by Mr. Burns.
“Time to go!!” shouted Maude Fland— I mean Cool Stacy.
“Ok!!!!!!!!!!!!” I yelled joyfully, putting on my high heels and not finishing an entire pizza to myself as season 4 came to a close.
We arrived at da club and started clubbing so hard, which is standard for us. Hip movements, foot stomps, back AND front grinding with all the hottest dude-guys. I was truly feeling half Joe Camel and a third Fonzarelli.
No wait… no. No, I was feeling so Fancy…you already know. That’s what I meant. Yes… that is how I felt.
“Hey, nice crop top!” said a stranger. “OK,” I said as I didn’t have a rushed shower to avoid missing the outcome of Who Shot Mr. Burns.
“Say, who’s up for some recreational drug use?!” I screamed with glee. “All of us!” they replied. “We’re young adults who live fast, after all!” We high-fived as I proceeded to not send them a snapchat picture of my face painted as Marge.
We drug’d it up, poppin’ Molly to and fro. As I looked around at the crowd, I definitely heard no one shout “the finger thing means the taxes!” No, instead it was just hoots, hollers and youthful slang. Classic Crowd-foolery.
Finally the weekend came to an end and it was time to go home, a place I hadn’t been solely localized to for the past 48 hours. We stumbled back on our hind legs, in no way similar to a couple of Rory Calhouns. When I arrived, I did not say to myself “now I’ll eat the bagels and pie I had delivered from a block away so I wouldn’t miss the Love-Matic Grandpa sequence.”
As I drifted off to sleep I thought, “Hey Chels, good for you. Good for you for keeping your social life strong and not devoting the entire weekend to a show that essentially shaped your childhood POV, family dynamic and future sense of humour.
And I said “Thanks, Brain.”
(Oh and on the plus side, I did get someone’s number! His name was Bort. It may work out if I can get past the fact that many of my relatives are also named Bort.)